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Top ten reindeer complaints
10. “It’s the North Pole! There ain’t no grass at the North Pole!”
9. “The Teamsters keep coming around and reminding us that ‘accidents happen.’”
8. “Every time we hitch up to the sled we are reminded that elves have cold hands.”
7. “Sure, we get all the magic corn we want… but I wouldn’t mind a pizza and beer once in a while.”
6. “After 9/11 the fat guy did a background check. Donder and Blitzen got booted for their days with the skinheads.”
5. “Prancer creeps me out. Be what you want to be but stay out when I’m in the shower, Bub.”
4. “If he’d just use FedEx we could skip New York and maybe Dasher would still be with us.”
3. “Comet munches down on beer and eggs before every flight.”
2. “We get free drinks from the Elks but the guys at the Moose Lodge only give us half off.”
1. “We do all the work and the big guy burns up the Frequent Flier miles on a trip to Aruba with Cindy from Accounting.”
Top ten ways to show your support for the Colts
10. Take that angel off the top of the tree and get that neon horseshoe up there.
9. Step outside, take a deep breath and yell, “Nonny-nonny-boo-boo, Johnny Unitas!”
8. Stand behind your wife and let her know she’s prettier than Jeff Saturday.
7. Sign the petition asking the Pope to canonize Coach Dungy.
6. Answer your phone only while wearing your replica Colts helmet and mouthguard.
5. Write your cardiologist’s phone number on your lucky rally towel.
4. Refer to your youngest child as “another fourth-quarter miracle.”
3. An old school bus, some buckets of blue and white paint … and beer … lots of beer.
2. Get that #18 tattooed right in the middle of your forehead.
1. Wear your vintage Jeff George jersey with pride.
Top ten least subtle Christmas present hints
10. “It’s a good stereo, but I can’t find any more 8-track tapes.”
9. “I saw in your men’s magazine that the laundromat is a great place to meet singles.”
8. “Maybe Tiger Woods wouldn’t be in the news if he had a remote starter for his car.”
7. “Gee, honey-bunny. (Sigh) I’ll get those bushes trimmed. (Sigh) Without a chainsaw, I guess I’ll use the pinking shears.”
6. “Dad? I can’t play ball with these old sneakers, so I’m going to my room to play with Sissy’s Barbie dolls.”
5. “Ginny says my parents must not love me enough to get me my own cell phone. Let’s prove her wrong.”
4. “Smell that? No? Exactly. It’s 25 bucks an ounce. Go get it.”
3. “Buy me another kitchen gadget and I’ll find a new use for the garlic press.”
2. “If I had a new computer I wouldn’t have to hang out with the creepy men at the library.”
1. “I’m not exposing myself. I need new pants.”
Top Ten Black Friday shopping tips
10. Helmet, shin guards and mouthpiece … not presents for your son, but what you wear to Kohl’s.
9. Take advantage of the newspaper ads. Use them to start a fire and relax at home with some hot chocolate.
8. Adult diapers make the wait easier for all.
7. Shopping online saves you gas and time and lets you spend more time on Facebook.
6. Try shopping in the less crowded stores. This year, give everyone fish food and new windshield wipers.
5. Don’t forget to drop something in the kettle on the way past. The shopping gods frown on stingy people.
4. Save money by picking up the free ornaments they hang on the trees inside the mall.
3. If all else fails, liquor is always welcome … or a handy alternative to going shopping in the first place.
2. It’s not how much you spent that’s important, but how much you spent on me.
1. Knocking down the old lady with the walker might just distract the rest of ‘em long enough to snag that new video game.
Top ten signs you need to find a new family to spend your hoildays with
10. “I hope you don’t mind. I brought Fluffy Poopykins. He’s a bit ‘urpy’ today.”
9. “This is your new Aunt Betty. Your old Aunt Betty will be by later with your old cousins.”
8. “The gravy was a tad bland so I spiced it up a bit. It’s OK, I used good tequila.”
7. “Wanna wrestle? I’ve been workin’ out. I beat Granny last week.”
6. “Davey Junior! Get off Aunt Vanessa’s curtains and spit out the dog’s toy!”
5. “Football? Don’t be silly. Turn on the Home Shopping Network and shut up.”
4. “Last year it was chicken pox. This year they all got swine flu. Thanks for letting us spend the weekend,”
3. “I’ll need y’all ta fill out this background check for my parole officer… an’ then it’s turkey time!”
2. “I used to change your diaper. You don’t need to be embarrassed. I’m just getting some towels.”
1. “I hope y’all got beer. The kids drank mine on the drive down.”
Top ten wrong ways to get back on your spouse’s good side
10. “Honey. You know how you wanted a family? … I got us a puppy.”
9. “I know I did something wrong, and I’m very sorry about it and will never do it again if you would only tell me what It was and when did I do it.”
8. “C’mon, Mr. Frowny-Face. It’s not so bad. You like working the overtime, and we needed a new car anyways.”
7. “I like you like that. You look more real than the pictures in the magazines.”
6. “Oh, Sweetie-Pie? I got you something. It was on sale at Big Lots.”
5. “You want a back rub? I’ll be right there. Halftime’s coming up.”
4. “I made your favorite supper. Dishes are in the sink.”
3. “Let’s go out to eat. They got a big screen TV at the wings place.”
2. “There was a lot of beer involved, and I think I can get the tattoo removed.”
1. “Honey. I cut the grass and trimmed the hedges. Can I move back in now? It’s starting to rain.”
Top ten signs that summer is completely over
10. “Momma’s cold, so you ALL have to put your coats on.”
9. With a tear in your eye, you pack the flip-flops into the bin and slide it under the bed.
8. You stop putting off fixing the front porch step and start putting off raking leaves while planning to put off shoveling the sidewalk.
7. The dog spends a lot more time standing at the door judging the temperature after demanding to be let out at 3 a.m.
6. You start thinking seriously about eating pumpkin pie, cranberries and apple dumplings.
5. You no longer groan when you see another store has begun putting up their Christmas displays.
4. The furnace fires up, and you discover the cat has been peeing on the floor vents.
3. The hip-hop neighbor kid pulls his pants up and gets a belt on.
2. The falling leaves reveal last year’s Christmas lights.
1. While finally cleaning and covering your pool, you realize that what you thought was a leftover pool toy is actually a bloated squirrel.
Top ten ways to get rid of unwanted trick-or-treaters
10. “Hi there, kids. My name is _____. I’m your city councilman. Let’s talk about the bond issue.”
9. “You kids get a choice. Atomic Fireball or Atomic Wedgie.”
8. You open the door. The kids yell “Trick or Treat!” You flop backward holding your chest… and lie very still until they go away.
7. “Nothing until you cut the grass!”
6. “Hello, children. I don’t have any candy. Candy is bad for you. I’ve got steamed Brussels sprouts.”
5. Erect a large sign on your lawn: “This is a ‘Clothing Optional’ home.”
4. “Honey! They’re on the porch! Turn on the sprinklers!”
3. Offer them a choice from your mismatched sock basket.
2. “I got candy for you. I just need to see a picture ID and your trick-or-treat license.”
1. Invite them in to discuss the value and savings opportunities of new replacement windows.
Top ten things to do after calling 911 and being put on hold
10. Tell the burglar about all the cool stuff your neighbors own.
9. Get the names and licenses of the other drivers and any witnesses. Record any visible damage to the vehicles involved. Remove your clothes and dance naked in the street to make the patrol cop stop and assist.
8. Ask the armed robber for his frequent shopper card to get his 10 percent discount on gas and prescriptions.
7. Handle the monster the old-fashioned way: Gather some neighbors, torches and pitchforks.
6. Keep calm. Take a deep breath. Count to 10. Pile more furniture in front of the door and enjoy the music.
5. Exact your revenge… hide the remote to the TV the thieves are carrying out.
4. Remind him that, while you respect his 2nd Amendment right to bear arms, he is risking a felony conviction that will spoil his chances to someday become president.
3. Just wait for the federal government to bail you out.
2. Spit, man! Spit!
1. Just relax and don’t bleed on anything that’s not stain-resistant.
Top ten signs that you might be a Southsider
10. If the White Castle at the U.S. 31/Madison Avenue split is part of your wedding album … you might be a Southsider.
9. If you have ever taken out a loan to pay for a Christmas light display … you might be a Southsider.
8. If you’ve ever run a red light because you were writing down a phone number from a car marked “For Sale” parked along Madison Avenue … you might be a Southsider.
7. If there are more than three Happy Meal toys on your desk right now … you might be a Southsider.
6. If you spent more last year on fireworks than state income taxes … you might be a Southsider.
5. If more than one item in your kitchen was stolen from Lotus Garden … you might be a Southsider.
4. If you’ve ever traded a real car for a radio controlled one … you might be a Southsider.
3. If you’ve ever had an argument over what to name a neighborhood stray cat … you might be a Southsider.
2. If your backside still aches from a fall at Fox’s Skating Rink … you might be a Southsider.
1. If you’ve ever rescheduled a wedding because Roncalli made the state semi-finals … you might be a Southsider.