Torry’s top ten clues that your employee has found a new job

By Torry Stiles

10. Your memos to him are back in your “In” box with the handwritten response “Undeliverable” ... in his handwriting. 9. You look in his toolbox and all the Craftsman and Snap-on tools have been replaced with PlaySkool replicas. 8. When you call her phone all you get is a recording of, “Na-na-na, Na-na-na, Hey, hey. Goodbye ... “ 7. She finally collected all of her stray Tupperware out of the break room refrigerator. 6. The bar is calling to let you know where you can find his truck. 5. All those missing office supplies are coming back. 4. She donated her assigned parking space to the night janitor for his bass boat. 3. His company uniform logo reads, “To Be Announced.” 2. All the little troll dolls in her cubicle have teeny-tiny little suitcases. 1. The cute puppy screen-saver has been replaced with a countdown clock.

Torry’s top ten statistcs that are as valid as any other statistics you’ve seen lately

By Torry Stiles

10. 87 percent of all statisticians are good at math. 42 percent are not. 9. 4 out of 5 doctors agree that you need another opinion. 8. 93 percent of Republicans want less government spending. 67 percent of Democrats want less government spending. 100 percent of government employees want more government spending. 7. Less than half of all lawyers were in the top third of their graduating class. 6. Her half of the family is still a lot of people so we better stop at Kroger and get more potato salad. 5. 98 percent of all drivers think 99 percent of all drivers are complete idiots. 4. According to my wife I’m half-right 50 percent of the time. The rest of the time I’m not even close. 3. 1 in 6 Hoosiers thinks the other 5 are Kentuckians in disguise. 2. 68 percent of SouthSide Times readers think Torry’s Top Ten lists are the best part of the paper. 32 percent of the readers are not related to Torry. 1. 22 percent of Americans worry that the economy will get worse this year. 28 percent believe it will get better. 36 percent want to know who’ll be on the next Dancing with the Stars show.

Torry’s top ten ‘signature’ food items I’d like to see at the fair next year

By Torry Stiles

10. The Deluxe Burro - “Tastes better than Clydesdale.” 9. Chocolate-covered Kevin Bacon - “Buy it quick, he’s working on a movie deal and may have to leave before the fair ends.” 8. Carmel Corn - “We pop it in Indy so we don’t have to deal with the mess in Carmel.” 7. Elephant Tears - “It’s wet. It’s salty. It came out of an elephant. What’s the problem?” 6. Chicken & PETA - “It’s a soybean product. So’s the cheese. Peace, man” 5. The Chilly Beef and Cheese - “Sorry. Grill’s out. You want a Pepsi with that?” 4. Machos with Cheese - “Hey! C’mon. Eat me! I dare ya!” 3. DEET-fried Twinkies - “The DEET keeps the flies off.” 2. Obamacare Burger - “Pay me now, come back in four years and I’ll give you a coupon for a sandwich from somebody else.” 1. The Scorn Dog - “You’re gonna eat me with THAT mouth? Try flossing Mr. Greenteeth!”

Torry’s top ten bits of unsolicited advice for new businesses

By Torry Stiles

10. Never trust family to be any smarter than strangers. 9. Never cheat on payroll taxes: You get an upset employee who’ll work with an upset Uncle Sam. 8. Every business expense is a business asset. Re-think your plan to have the wife’s breast enhancement listed as a company plant improvement. 7. Even cow manure has buyers. 6. Never assume you know more than the professionals or that the professionals know it all. 5. It’s never too late to start a new career... unless you’re modeling children’s clothes. 4. If you’re spending more on lawyers than laborers then you’ve chosen the wrong line of work. 3. Treat each customer like it’s your rich uncle ... you’ll be trying to get money out of both of them. 2. Business documentation is like toilet paper: The bigger the asset the more paper you need to cover it. 1. Advice is cheap... just think how much you paid for this batch.

Torry’s top ten signs that this feud won’t be over soon

By Torry Stiles

10. On his employment application he listed his previous side jobs, part-time jobs and yard jobs. 9. As you’re filling out the police report for vandalism the cop just keeps nodding his head and saying, “Yup. That’s her.” 8. The insurance company will no longer cover your lawn ornaments, mailboxes or “soiled” newspapers. 7. His mom buys his spray paint and corrects his spelling on the bridge overpass. 6. The local hospital offers to X-ray your Halloween candy, mail and Christmas presents. 5. Until you Googled her name you never knew there was a National Registry of Psycho Ex-Girlfriends. 4. The bulldozer rental people have her name and picture on the wall with the caption, “Do not rent to.” 3. They’ve launched an Internet attack on your dog, your boyfriend’s mom and the guy at Starbucks who remembers your order every morning. 2. Wedding reception seating arrangements are organized by family, personal preference and restraining orders. 1. There are more eggs served on cars than on toast these days.

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