| 
|
|
Top 10 signs you’re not qualified to use power tools
10. You couldn’t keep a dog until the boy was old enough to cut the grass.
9. You consider safety devices to be just one of the challenges of an exciting construction project.
8. Anything less than 220 volts doesn’t count as an electrocution.
7. You once had to sign a waiver to use an electric tooth brush.
6. The hardware store has your blood type on file.
5. You’ve recorded the first hospitalization caused by an electric desk stapler.
4. You’re even barred from doing the Electric Slide at country bars.
3. Your new chainsaw is being used to extract the old chainsaw.
2. In your house, “Where are the Band-Aids?’ is heard more often than “Jiggle the handle.”
1. You’re on the “Do not serve” list at Home Depot.
Top ten signs the kids have outgrown your party plans
10. You mention clowns for their birthday party, and they assume you mean Insane Clown Posse.
9. “Family Game Night” now requires a trip to the casino.
8. You plan a cake with Captain America. He plans a cake with Captain Morgan.
7. You wish for the days of the boys wrestling in the yard after you catch the boys and girls wrestling in the den.
6. You arrange to rent a “Bounce House,” and they start planning an evening at Hooters.
5. The party budget includes ice, soft drinks, chips and bail money.
4. Last year’s theme was “My Little Pony”… this year it’s “My Latest Piercing.”
3. There were two votes for Chuckie Cheese and three for Jackie Daniels.
2. They refer to your birthdays as “another miracle.”
1. You can’t rent the skating rink again without a large damage deposit.
Top ten recent quotes from Will Rogers (were he alive today) #5
10. “The doctor told me I can’t have any more bacon, ham or pork chops. I reckon they’re saving all the pork for Congress.”
9. “I’m guessing it really smarts to have them earrings put in their noses or dangly things in their eyebrows and what-nots. Probably the only smarts those kids have.”
8. “Things are warming up in Washington. Congress is back from vacation and there’s a lot more hot air.”
7. “Listenin’ is a lost art. Just look at all the folks talkin’ on their phones. Maybe if they listened a little better they wouldn’t have to talk so much.”
6. “I read that the kids at the university have to pay more these days. I reckon the kids are learnin’ what their parents already know.”
5. “Heard they had some buildings fall down in Southport the other day. Looks like the housing market isn’t the only thing crashing.”
4. “Seems every month some government group is spending another million dollars to study about building a new light rail system somewhere. They’ve been doin’ that for 40 years now. They must have a really nice school for this studyin’ but nobody ever seems to graduate.”
3. “When I call City Hall I have to dial “1” to talk English to ‘em or “2” to talk Spanish to ‘em. I want the number I dial to talk some sense to ‘em.”
2. “I like reading the paper. I always start with the funny pages. Then I open it up and read the comics.”
1. “Seems Washington wants to stimulate the economy by adding on some new taxes to the folks that are still working. Ain’t that kinda like trying to stimulate a drownin’ man with a bucket of ice water?”
Top ten reasons Evan Bayh is leaving the Senate
10. They just can’t make a decent chili-cheese dog in Washington.
9. The Obama team dug up his pro-Hilary Clinton speeches … gotta run while he’s still got kneecaps.
8. Coach just called and he’ll be the starting point guard for the Pacers next Saturday.
7. Years and years of public service and he still can’t get free Ice Capades tickets.
6. After all the years with the Democrats controlling the House and Senate, he’s tired of all the gridlock, fighting and backstabbing.
5. If he spends any more time in Washington they’ll revoke his Marion County Public Library video rental privileges.
4. Publisher’s Clearing House came knocking, and he’s headed to Branson.
3. One more day of navy bean soup in the cafeteria was more than he could stand.
2. He’s got 12 million bucks in the campaign fund, and it’s time the kids got on the payroll.
1. He wants to get in touch with his Hoosier roots … starting with a two-year bus tour of Iowa.
Top ten things I think about while slipping on the ice
10. “I want one of those walkers with the wheels and basket.”
9. “At what point do I stop turning with the skid and start screaming like a scared little girl?”
8. “Why couldn’t I be doing this on the sidewalk in front of Walmart?”
7. “I wonder what Workmen’s Comp is paying for busted hips these days?”
6. “This is why I hate the Winter Olympics.”
5. “Indiana has a reputation for hard water.”
4. “Gravity sucks.”
3. “So this is why they jacked up the price of the sidewalk salt.”
2. “That cloud up there looks just like Surgeon General C. Everett Koop.”
1. “I sure hope the wife hasn’t been putting her water pills in the Tylenol bottle again.”
Top ten reasons the Colts deserve to win the Super Bowl
10. Make up for the guys having to miss the Pro Bowl.
9. If they win, Coach is takin’ ‘em to Chuck E. Cheese.
8. The Capitol Improvements Board promises they’ll finally be able to pay off the RCA Dome if we win.
7. Free car wash upgrades for everyone!
6. My buddy at the flea market still has 2,000 Harbaugh, George and Sichting jerseys to get rid of.
5. It’ll give us the emotional strength to survive the NCAA tournament disappointments.
4. Wank and O’Brien promise they’ll stop playing that song.
3. The folks in New Orleans won’t hold a grudge against Indy. They’ll just say it was Bush’s fault.
2. My wife’s a huge Colts fan, and there won’t be much fun around here if they lose. You guys know what I’m talking about.
1. Peyton Manning was great on Saturday Night Live, and I’m hungry for more.
Top ten rejected slogans for the Colts at the Super Bowl
10. The Colts get an “A” — New Orleans is below “C” level.
9. Hey, New Orleans! We’re gonna blow right bayou!
8. February 7, 2010: Addai to remember.
7. Peyton Place to Dallas to South Beach … and you won’t have to change the channel.
6. Sure beats sitting at home waiting for the draft.
5. We speak French, too … Pierre Garçon.
4. Blue and white turns black and gold to black and blue.
3. Let’s hope Mayor Nagin saved you some buses for the ride back.
2. Your French Quarter won’t be worth two cents when we’re done.
1. … and when we’re done we’re comin’ back for your FEMA trailers.
Top ten signs you may be at the wrong wedding
10. The father of the bride wore his best black tie, black jacket and black baseball cap.
9. The mother of the bride has more tattoos than the groomsmen.
8. The preacher asks the congregation to pray for a generous plea agreement.
7. The service is interrupted for a NASCAR update.
6. The maid of honor has her Webcam address on the invitations.
5. The loudest complaint is the lack of cupholders in the chapel.
4. The bouquet is first thrown at the groom’s ex in the restroom before the service.
3. The trip to the reception is delayed by a shortage of jumper cables.
2. The reception dance floor has a pole.
1. The reception line started with a pat-down search.
Top ten examples that dogs are smarter than humans
10. The dumbest dog in the world would never spend an evening at a bar arguing that professional wrestling was real.
9. Dogs know not to smoke, drink or go bungee-jumping.
8. There has never been a dog on the FBI Public Enemies list.
7. No dog has ever been blamed for the programming decisions of NBC Television.
6. Water heater failure has no effect on a dog’s personal grooming schedule.
5. Dog’s don’t wait on hold for the 911 operator. They either bite, run or piddle.
4. When the dog has an “accident” on the rug in front of the door, I get yelled at. Would anyone yell at the dog if I had an “accident” on the same rug?
3. They never worry about the percent of fat grams in a can of Alpo.
2. They’ve never spent a dime on the lottery.
1. If the wife says, “How does my hair look?” he just wags his tail and doesn’t say a word.
Top ten things I learned in 2009
10. My lack of support for the Colts merchandising efforts has done nothing to affect their performance … and left me some cash to fill out my Happy Meal toy collection.
9. I can’t afford any more health care savings from Congress.
8. Nothing is foolproof if you have enough fools.
7. Married men are far less likely to forget their failures.
6. The biggest difference between a $5 scented candle and a $25 scented candle is $20.
5. You can’t bake cookies in a microwave oven.
4. Short dogs don’t wander far when there is snow on the ground.
3. Old customers remain customers if you treat them as well as new customers.
2. Car engines rarely heal themselves.
1. This has been a year like no other … and the next one will be, too.