Top ten reasons a dog can’t be Santa Claus
By Torry Stiles
10. Department stores do not allow their employees to lick the customers, even when wearing a beard and red hat.
9. Even the Keebler elves won’t stoop to performing scooper duty.
8. Reindeer will not tolerate a cold nose “back there.”
7. The cookies were tough enough - but no parent is going to eat through a plate of MilkBones on Christmas Eve.
6. There are no trees at the North Pole.
5. It may smell like candy canes but dog slobber is still dog slobber.
4. That “yap-yap-yap” thing just doesn’t sound Christmas-y.
3. No lap to sit on.
2. Nobody wants the presents he leaves under the tree.
1. Beard fleas.
Top ten signs your holiday party has gone wrong
By Torry Stiles
10. Towards the end of the party you discover that what you thought was Angostura Bitters is really Syrup of Ipecac.
9. Grandma won’t let you touch the baked beans until she finds her dentures.
8. Your “Secret Santa” gift is under the company tree. It’s the only one with air holes … and it growls.
7. The boss makes a point of greeting all his employees with a hearty handshake and a cheerful, “Together we’ll make next year even better.” All you got was the handshake.
6. Your wife finally gets the Christmas vacation in the Bahamas she dreamed of for so many years. … and she calls you up to tell you about it.
5. The cops don’t believe that the plants in your basement are non-flowering poinsettias.
4. As your party reaches its peak and the house is overflowing your 8-year-old shouts down the stairs, “Dad! Get the plunger!”
3. Even the district manager recognized the photocopies of your posterior.
2. Your “Rent-A-Santa’s” real name is Mohammed and he’s wearing a very bulky vest.
1. The only thing the Fire Department could save was the fruitcake.