Top ten signs your car may not last through the winter
10. Tow truck drivers remember you.
9. You save your empty fast food bags because they provide insulation.
8. You visit the junkyard to get a part and the guys ask you to park around back.
7. Your wife tearfully kisses you good-bye even if you’re just going to the corner store.
6. Snow plow operators ask you to paint your roof orange to improve visibility.
5. You pack jumper cables in your lunchbox.
4. You’re the only one on your block with propane heat in your Ford Taurus.
3. There’s more Fix-A-Flat than air in the tires.
2. Your parking garage saves you a spot on the bottom floor because you can’t make it uphill.
1. Car thieves leave cash donations.
Top 10 ways to avoid having Thanksgiving at your house this year
10. “Fred can’t stand football, so we had all of our televisions taken away,”
9. “I can prepare dinner just fine. The doctors say I just have to wear rubber gloves and avoid coughing on anyone.”
8. “I’m cleaning up for the dinner right now. It’s just hard to get that dead body smell out of the carpet.”
7. “We’ll set up the kids’ table on the porch. They’ll want to play in the snow anyways, and the local stray dogs will clean up after them.”
6. “We’ll be glad to have everyone to the house for Thanksgiving. Need directions? You got a good Jeep or will you be hiking?”
5. “We’re tired of turkey. This year I’m making pimento loaf SHAPED like a turkey.”
4. “Johnny Junior is going to show us what he learned in band this year. He plays the Sousaphone.”
3. “Hope you like cats. We’ll send some home with you.”
2. “There’s lots of room in the house now. They repoed our TV and couch last week.”
1. “We save time by hunting our own turkey. You don’t have to stuff ‘em ‘cause they’re not empty.”
Top ten bad ways to greet the trick-or-treaters
10. “Shhhh. I don’t really live here. Keep quiet about this, and you can have the TV.”
9. “Mom?”
8. “Do ya feel lucky, punk?”
7. “You kids are so sweet I could just eat you up…. Starting with the chubby one.”
6. “I haven’t seen anything that scary since my wife, uh … Oh… sorry, dear. I didn’t know you were back there.”
5. “The candy’s in the crawlspace — go help yourselves.”
4. “Who wants a kitten?”
3. “Are any of your parents lawyers?”
2. “I learned this cookie recipe in prison.”
1. “Pull my finger.”
Top ten signs it’s going to be a rough election
10. The supply list for the latest “Get out the Vote” effort includes posters, caps, yard signs and shovels.
9. Your precinct office is offering S&H Green Stamps with every vote. I’m saving up for a toaster oven.
8. The local John Deere dealer has lawnmowers with a “yard sign” setting.
7. The Iranians are offering to help.
6. The latest polls show an error rate of “plus or minus all of it.”
5. Ohio has given houseplants the right to vote.
4. Your congressman’s re-election slogan is “I’m not for either of them.”
3. The next debate will include a no disqualification match in a steel cage.
2. They’re adding a bathing suit competition.
1. Three of the cemeteries In Chicago now qualify to have their own congressmen.
Top ten signs your child’s teacher may not be using the approved curriculum.
10. The Driver’s Education class final exam includes a 25-lap figure-8 race.
9. Your fourth-grade couch potato is excited about gym class because in the second semester they get to use live ammo.
8. Chapter one in the text is called,”Don’t let your parents find out.”
7. You catch your high-schooler sacrificing a goat for extra credit and to gain favor with the rain gods.
6. The class candy sales fundraiser is for the teacher’s bail money.
5. Textbooks are being delivered to your home in plain, brown paper wrappers.
4. You discover your car keys have been flushed to “save the poor baby polar bear.”
3. The parent permission slip for the field trip to the state capitol building includes a “tear gas waiver.”
2. Your second grader knows how to make babies and how not to.
1. The Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtle poster is in the trash and a picture of Che Guevara is over the bed.