So here’s the deal. In all areas of my life, it is storming right now. In fact there’s not a single corner of my universe that doesn’t demand a giant antacid. Every time I think I’ve got a safe place to land…wham…. I get it again, right between the eyes. I am noticing something different about all the storming, though. I am older now so
I don’t bounce back as quickly when life sucker-punches me right in the psyche. My blood pressure, for example, is sky high. I’ve got a facial tic, too. So all of these issues led me to follow the advice of one of my hippie friends.
“You will love it,” she promised. “You will feel reborn.” Really?
With that thought in mind, I attended a yoga class for the very first time in my life. “Close your eyes and clear your mind,” the instructor said in this very soft voice that felt like a cloud in the air. Well let me tell you something-
I could NOT calm down. All the other women relaxed like noodles. But there I was, my hands in fists, my stomach in knots. I never closed my peepers, not one time. I squinted, actually. And that request to clear my mind? Well there’s not a mop big enough to wipe the heartaches and headaches off this brain. “Exhale all your worries,”
the peaceful yoga chick said in a sweet, sing-song voice. She repeated this request at least three times. “Exhale all your worries.” And every single time she said it, my mind jumped into a higher gear.
So there I was, stretched out on the floor like a tootight rubber band, with my squinty eyes, my balled-up
fists, unable to clear my mind, unable to exhale my worries. I could feel my blood pressure bubble as my head
spun into overdrive. Every single one of my problems clumped into a mountain in the middle of my cranium. I then got a stress knot in my neck. On top of all that, I realized I was not even trying to exhale. I was actually holding my breath. So suddenly I was squinting, tense, worried and dizzy, too. Then I began to worry that the peaceful-hearted instructor would kick me out of yoga class for being such a ball of nerve endings. I’m also very sure she wasn’t happy when I muttered cuss words while she and the other class members were humming “Ummmmmm.”
That fear of being booted from yoga only added more stress to my mess. “So how did it go?” my hippie friend chirped later that evening. “I suffered through an entire hour of silence,” I said. “I sprained my neck. I have a headache from the incense. And I could only focus on my problems. I left the class when I started to hyperventilate.
Next week I will try harder
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