Weather is sensational – but only on the East Coast
I’m sure you caught the
news about the Winter
Storm That Changed
Life As We Know It …
on the East Coast. It was
one of those storms which set
off a blizzard of hyperbole (see
above) as news services scrambled
to out-do one another in
the Ridiculous Description Department.
The winner? “Snowmageddon.”
Now, in looking at the storm
coverage from Snowmageddonland,
I have come to the following
conclusions:
1. The people who live in
the East are by and large a
bunch of weenies.
2. The ones who aren’t
weenies don’t have the
sense that God gave geese.
3. Weather isn’t news until it
hits the East Coast.
I shall explain.
What I saw on the news were
pictures of long lines at airports
and people in those lines
lamenting that their flights had
been canceled. I’ve had that
happen and I know how truly
upsetting it can be, but good
grief, from all the wailing and
gnashing of teeth, you would
have thought they had to walk
to their destinations.
It was one of those moments
when you want to reach through
the screen, grab someone by the
front of his parka and say, “Stop
whining. It isn’t personal. Snow
did not come here to make YOU
miserable. It came here to make
everyone miserable.”
This brings us to the business
about not having any sense. I
saw footage of shoppers running
into a mall to hit the sales.
A reporter gathered them up
for the customary TV Weather
Interview (the most popular
Midwestern version involves a
skinny jeeter with no shirt and
a grimy ball cap talking about
the tornado that sounded like a
thousand freight trains).
They were complaining about
the cold. Hello? You live in the
northern half of a country on
the northern half of the globe.
It is winter. You are running
around in the cold and snow
wearing a hoodie and sweatpants.
In other words, you are
a moron.
Which brings me to the last
part. Excepting the occasional
western, southern or Midwestern
flood, tornado or yes, blizzard,
weather generally isn’t
news until it hits the East Coast.
Why? Simple. News organizations,
or what is left of them,
are headquartered in the East.
When you view the world from
the safety (and frugality) of
desks, as is increasingly their
practice, then you tend to report
only what you can see on
your screen or out your window.
Besides which, the East just
falls to pieces in snow. My family
lived in suburban Washington
D.C. when I was a kid. A
quarter-inch of snow would
close the schools and paralyze
traffic. It’s not that way anymore,
of course. Now the traffic
is paralyzed no matter what the
weather.
Now, I realize there are
people who are truly inconvenienced,
or worse, by the weather
in the East. This is serious
and I wouldn’t want to make fun
of them. But I will make fun of
the thinking that brands a blizzard
“Snowmaggedon.” That’s
over-the-top silly and serves
no purpose other than to make
nervous people more nervous.
Besides, what are you going
to call the next big storm?
Snowmaggedon Junior?
Snowmaggedon The Sequel?
Snowmaggedon II: This Time It’s
Personal?
No, wait. I have it. Hitch up
your long johns, folks, for …
SNOWPOCALYPSE!
(But only on the East Coast.)
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.
