Like 90 percent of the people waiting in line at grocery store checkouts, I tend to glance at the magazine covers. The front-page “teasers” grab my attention, but that’s where the curiosity stops. I look but don’t touch.
The most recent cover to catch my eye was Star’s exclusive on Octomom’s weight loss secrets. I wasn’t looking because I thought she looked good, though. It was more like an Arrested Development moment, as I looked at the cover and thought, “Her?”
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think Octomom is fat, but she isn’t exactly ripped, either. What I mean is, her current body would likely be labeled one of the “Worst beach bods of ’09” if it were under someone else’s head, and I’m sure the photo’s heavily airbrushed.
If Angelina Jolie had a body like Octomom, for example, the magazines would conclude her feuds with Brad caused her to overeat and inflate. The same publication would likely claim she’d lost control of her life and — “more importantly” — her weight.
So I got to thinking about this. Fat, ugly, skinny, attractive — there’s no definite definition for any of these. It all depends on where someone started, and Octomom’s the perfect example.
She became famous because of her story and its freak-show factor. The first time we saw her she literally had eight other people inside of her. In terms of appearance, there’s really little room to downgrade at that point.
So when Nadya slimmed down to more average size, suddenly she was wearing bikinis on magazine covers in poses typically reserved for top actresses and supermodels. She was sharing tips on what helped her get fit, but if Jennifer Aniston’s head were on that body the headlines would “Jen loses battle vs. chocolate.”
Like I said, Octomom doesn’t look bad, but she never would have been cover-worthy if she didn’t start with the body of an offensive lineman.
Everyone loves a success story, and that’s what hers is. She lost the equivalent of another person in baby fat and returned to a pre-pregnancy body. While she doesn’t resemble someone Star would typically say looks great, because of where she started, she does, and they did.
Seeing this example made me think that maybe it would be better to start life like Benjamin Button than Brad Pitt. Button came out the womb looking ready for the nursing home. As he aged, he looked like a younger old man, and even though he still resembled a troll, remembering what he used to look like made his current appearance seem better.
So I guess this is all bad news for people who already have great bodies, and good news for those who don’t. Remember Gerard Butler in 300, with abs that looked capable of breaking bricks? He’s still in better shape than me, but compared to his previous physique he looks like a slob.
Octomom, though, went from bad to decent, and her path to the cover of Star, I think, can be taken as a positive. People don’t have to look great for others to think they look amazing down the road. A few trips to the gym and a few less burgers is all it takes to be cover-worthy, because we all love a success story. Just making a noticeable change is enough to, well, get noticed — no matter what how the “before” picture looked.
I suppose next we could see my boy Dennis Franz on the cover of some magazine, post-Taco Bell diet, shirtless and heralded as the new Bruce Willis. That should give hope to anyone.
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