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Which way to the revolution?
I suppose this is as good a time as any to get started on some New Year’s Revolutions.
Yep. Revolutions, with a v. I’ve come to the conclusion that New Year’s Resolutions, with the s, just aren’t cutting it anymore. They’re just promises to yourself (“This is the year I give up those miniature Hershey bars once and for all! Especially the Krackles!”) that you end up breaking by Groundhog’s Day (“Well, they were on sale”).
So I’m going for Revolutions. Real life-changers — promises that I’ll keep past Groundhog’s Day and on through the rest of the year, or at least until Washington’s birthday.
Revolution Number One: To get out of the house more.
I work at home, you see, and there’s a tendency in a job like mine — and I use the word “job” loosely — to simply park one’s carcass in front of the computer and lose track of time. Of course, it wouldn’t be a problem if I were doing what I was supposed to be doing (writing) instead of monkeying around on eBay (“I wonder if anyone is selling a toy gun like the one Steve McQueen carried in ‘Wanted Dead or Alive’ …”) or searching for myself on the Weird Wide Web (“Alleged humorist from Indiana”) or, um, accidentally stumbling onto Web sites I had probably better not describe, except to say I wasn’t aware human beings could even get into such positions.
Of course, I could just demonstrate a little more discipline. That would be revolutionary. It would also be unlikely. I mean, if it hasn’t shown up in seven years, I don’t expect it now. So the best thing I can do is get away from the source of the sloth and get out of the house. All I need now is someplace to go.
Revolution Number Two: Dress like a grownup.
This sort of goes with the first one. If I’m going to be in public, I should look nice. My mother never took us anywhere without first making sure that we had been sandblasted, scrubbed, combed and dressed in nice, clean clothes. And that was just to go to the grocery.
For the last few years my wardrobe has been pretty much confined to T-shirt, jeans and sneakers. No, not the same ones every day. Pee-yew.
If I’m going to go out into the world, seems to me I should snap it up a little. I’m thinking shirts with collars, for starters. And maybe shoes that have to be polished. I might even go for a necktie and a jacket, but let’s not get carried away.
Revolution Number Three: I changed my mind about this one.
Revolution Number Four: To watch something uplifting and inspiring on television once in a while. This one may be a little tough to keep.
Revolution Number Five: To treat everyone as I would want to be treated, up to a point. I mean, I am not going to feed you caviar and hire a troupe of dancing girls from exotic lands to entertain you, which is what I’d prefer for myself. I will, however, jump-start your car and help you shovel your sidewalk. On alternate Thursdays.
Revolutions Number Six through Ten: None of your business.
I guess that’s it. Now I have something to do in 2010, which will be a refreshing change from 2009. Also 2008, 2007 and so on.
Now hand me one of those Krackles, and let the Revolution begin.
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