In an effort to be more cliché, I decided I should write on either my New Year’s resolution or the Colts’ recent forfeit of history. Since the latter still makes me grind my teeth, I chose not to relive that traumatic experience and instead focus on my pledge for next year.
This time 12 months ago, I issued a challenge to my facial hair, calling for it to come in fuller or stop growing altogether. That, like every other resolution I’ve ever made, wasn’t upheld. I’m still growing a faceful of hair with the same thick patches and random bald spots.
Likewise, I know any resolution I make to eat healthier, exercise more or perform any other life-bettering change will either start a few weeks late or not even make it that far if began on January 1. I’m not trying to be pessimistic. I just know my tendencies.
But I still feel like I should make a resolution. After all, it’s an American tradition. So I started brainstorming for a resolution that would actually be a fun challenge. I landed on one that may not make me a healthier, wealthier or wiser person, but it would at least be interesting.
The solution I came up with was to make a resolution in my column, about my column.
I enjoy making unusual references whenever possible. Even if it’s something with which most people are unfamiliar — like the gel-soaked hair of the guys on MTV’s Jersey Shore — I at least get some satisfaction out it.
So for 2010, I’ve decided to test my ability to work in those uncommon references. For the New Year, my resolution is to mention of Dennis Franz at least once in every column, for as many consecutive weeks as possible.
Yes, I said Dennis Franz. I’m not trying to give myself a cakewalk. This won’t be easy.
We all may know Dennis Franz. He’s the short, bald, thickset, mustached actor who played Detective Andy Sipowicz for 12 years on NYPD Blue. Other than that, I don’t think anyone really knows much about him, especially me. Still, I’ve decided I’m going to try to make a reference to him or his character in as many consecutive articles as possible.
“Why would you make such a stupid resolution?” some may be thinking to themselves. “Couldn’t he put this effort towards something better?”
To answer those imaginary questions, I chose this resolution because I like to lighten things up, opting for personal entertainment whenever possible.
Why kill myself at the gym for all of January, trying to look more like Kimbo Slice, when I could pick something just as challenging and have more fun? I know I won’t keep pumping iron all year, so by the time both of these resolutions run their respective courses, as with most people, I’ll be in the same position whether I vowed to lay off the red meat or continually reference Jimmy Smits’ old sidekick.
Yes, this is a dumb resolution, but who cares? It’s just as interesting as it is pointless, and while it isn’t beneficial, it’s even less ordinary. Besides, I think I only watched NYPD Blue four times in my life, at most. I probably won’t even mount a streak as long as the Colts did this season, but at least I won’t pull back the reins.
I’ve got my first one in the books. This was a freebie, like the St. Louis Rams of my schedule, but I’m not about to turn things over to Curtis Painter. I’m going to keep this bit of momentum going. On to the next article and 2010, full speed ahead.
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