Homeland Security has been looking in the wrong direction.
For the past several years, this department has sought after bad guys and any evildoers seeking to threaten our American way of life. We enjoy a particular lifestyle, and they want to preserve it.
But while monitoring terrorist groups and identifying shady individuals, Homeland Security completely missed one of the American public’s traditional foes: Canada geese.
And yes, it’s Canada, even though Canadian sounds so right, but there’s nothing right or nice about these winged thugs.
They impose themselves upon us this time every year, moving on our land like Manifest Destiny and doing so with an attitude of “What are you going to do about it?” With ganders in our yards and eggs in our mulch beds, they lay claim to our properties and will duel to death in their defense.
But it could be naivety to assume that these long-necked Canadian imports are little more than nuisances.
At the least, they’re bullies who harass us for amusement. How many times have you seen them stand in the same place for hours only to waddle into the street when you drive up, blocking traffic in both directions? Then there’s their incessant honking, which seems to serve the same purpose as a baby’s rattle.
Though they are undoubtedly obnoxious, their actions do not always stop at mere vexation. With their tendencies to travel in packs and aggressively defend territory, Canada geese are more like the Crips and Bloods of the bird world.
Walking too close to their turf is equivalent to a death wish, and these thugs don’t discriminate. Toddlers, elderly women – any and all comers are sure to receive honks and hisses if not all-out beat downs. By the way, don’t hiss back at them. I’ve seen that end badly.
Every year we hear stories of frightened children and mauled pedestrians who suffer beak bites and wing slaps from these feathered hell raisers. Recently my friend’s grandmother was attacked after leaving a retail store, injuring her arm and perhaps ending her tennis days.
They strike with little warning and even less reason, and perhaps “gang” is their best-fitting classification. However, it may be possible to bump Canada geese up to the highest level of anarchy: Terrorism.
It’s a stretch, but think about it. Few groups – either human or animal – are responsible for more attacks, and sometimes their actions negatively affect our daily lives as we’re forced to change our courses to avoid them or stop entering certain areas altogether.
And they don’t limit their efforts to the ground. There are videos on the Internet of geese attacking boaters, stories about them crashing into cars, and they notoriously brought down Chesley Sullenburger’s U.S. Airways plane two months ago.
That last act was considered an accident, but if Canada geese are smart enough to adapt for different seasons, fly cross-country in a perfect “V” and successfully take over our neighborhoods, how are they suddenly too stupid to get out of the way of a commercial jet?
No, that was no mistake, and these are the worst winged menaces this country has seen since the monkeys from “The Wizard of Oz.”
I don’t know if they’re trying to take over the country or just antagonize for a little fun. But I do know that as long as Canada geese are around Central Indiana, our Threat Level should never dip below orange.
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