Perry principal drenched for success

By Tia Nielsen

[caption id="attachment_2448" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Senior class officers Katie Felix and Arlene Aurellano (hidden) dumped celebratory water on Perry Meridian High School Principal Joan Ellis during a school pep rally after the seniors successfully collected the most cans in a two-week food drive. Photo by Doug Wampler"][/caption]
Perry Meridian High School Principal Joan Ellis knew that on Friday, Feb. 20, she might end the school day drenched in cold water. And this deed would be administered by the senior class officers, president Arlene Aurellano and vice president Katie Felix. Mrs. Ellis arrived wearing orange rubber shoes. Perry students spent two weeks collecting canned and nonperishable food as part of a school-wide, service learning project. Each class was competing against the other to see which could bring in the most items. The school would hold a pep rally, complete with cheerleaders and games, on the final day of the competition. The concept of using academic skills in service to fellow man, formally called Service Learning, is part of the Perry Township school district. In 2002, they were one of only 16 schools from [caption id="attachment_2453" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="A cityscape of cans was built during a two week food drive at Perry Meridian High School. The 3,169 cans visually represented how food can impact the growth of a city. Photo by Tia Nielsen"][/caption] around the U.S. honored for this type of enhanced learning. The canned food goal was modest with an element of challenge. Because nearly a third of Perry students are on free or reduced lunches, the goal was to raise one donation for each of the nearly 2,200 students in the high school. The final total was revealed at a food drive pep rally held at the end of the day on Friday. The class that won the food count race would get to celebrate by drenching an administrator from a hefty water-filled container. The senior class selected Principal Ellis for the honor. Stepping into the small wading pool placed in the middle of the gym, surrounded by cheering students, Principal Ellis “celebrated” the final total of 3,169 cans. The seniors brought in more than 1,500, with the freshman class bringing in a strong second place. [caption id="attachment_2458" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Principal Ellis reacts to the drenching. Photo by Doug Wampler"][/caption]Prior to the rally, art students created posters reflecting the service project. A unique hands-on way to show the progress of the collection was evidenced in a display area. The cans were arranged to create four skyscrapers in a cityscape. Healthy food does build a city … in more than one way. Bill Baron, president of Hunger Inc., a south side food relief nonprofit, came and accepted the donation of the 3,200 canned goods. As he briefly addressed the students, there was a bit of buzz, but when Baron said “Way to go, Perry!” the gym erupted in cheers. Later, celebrating students, a soggy principal and a grateful hunger relief president left the gym. It was a good Friday.

Local bank expands

By Bryan Unruh

[caption id="attachment_2444" align="alignleft" width="240" caption="Michael Stewart is the executive vice president of First Merchants Bank."][/caption]Beginning April 15, all Lincoln Bank franchises will switch to First Merchants Bank locations. The Muncie-based First Merchants merged with Lincoln Bank Dec. 31. Lincoln is based in Plainfield, with five locations in the Greenwood area. Michael Stewart, executive vice president of First Merchants, said the merger was an attempt to grow the franchise rapidly without straying from its Indiana roots. He said the Lincoln board also valued the local connection when it chose between multiple merger proposals. “One of the criteria was to be acquired by an Indianapolis bank,” he said. “I don’t think our offer was the highest, but the idea of serving Indiana customers from an Indiana headquarters was important.” Stewart said First Merchants customers will not be impacted by the merger. And Lincoln customers, aside from the name change, should notice little difference as well. First Merchants has formed a conversion group to handle the transformation. “You might see statement changes, changes online,” he said. “But aside from that, (the group) is there to ensure there is minimal impact on the customer.” One positive change for Lincoln customers, Stewart said, will be the addition of trust and insurance services. Lincoln had previously been unable to offer these services. Stewart said First Merchants has been able to grow while many of its competitors suffer because it has steered clear of the subprime mortgage mess and because it has remained customer-focused. He said the bank has felt the effects of the poor economy, but he is confident it will continue to prosper. “We just need to stay focused on the client,” he said. “If we stay focused on working with people in our backyard, we will be fine in the long run.”

Date nearing for final AdoptaPlatoon shipment

By Submission For The Southside Times

Preparing its last shipment of care packages to its adopted platoon, the City of Beech Grove is accepting contributions of cash, donations of supplies and thank you notes for its 52 adopted soldiers serving in Iraq. The deadline for all contributions and donations is close of business on Friday, March 20. “This shipment will be our third and last one before these dedicated soldiers complete their mission and return home,” said Mayor Joe Wright. “We want to let our adoptees know we continue to think of and support them as they courageously serve our country, far from their homes and loved ones.” Monetary donations especially are needed for this last shipment to help defray costs and purchase needed supplies not already donated. Checks should be made out to City of Beech Grove – AdoptaPlatoon. A list of suggested donations can be found on the City’s Web site, www.beechgrove.com/AAP2.pdf Travel size items are most useful. With colder weather, chocolate is a popular item now accepted in the care packages. Thank you notes and pictures drawn by children always are appreciated. Drop-off sites are at the Hornet Park Community Center (5245 Hornet Avenue), City Hall (806 Main Street) and the mayor’s office (340 East Churchman). To arrange pick-up of a large quantity of items, contact the mayor’s office at 791-6060.

Obituaries for the week of 2.26.09

By Submission For The Southside Times

Joseph K. Ake, Jr., 93, of Indianapolis, died February 17, 2009.  He was born on April 27, 1915 in Indianapolis to the late Rev. Joseph K. and Lida (Conaway) Ake. Joe married Katherine Cooper June 28, 1939, who survives. He was a States Coast Guard during WWII. He is also survived by his nine children Ruth (Charles) Mercer, Vicki (Dwayne) VanMeter, Nancy Deem, Julia Butler, Sally (Mike) FitzGibbons, Carol (Roger) Evans, Deborah (Matthew) Kauffman, Joseph (Melahni) Ake and Katherine (Tracy) Zirkelbach, and 20 grandchildren and 29 great grandchildren. He was also preceded in death by his grandson Joshua Deem and sisters Esther Phillips, Dorothy Harger and Ruth Josephine Ake. Services were held February 23 at Christ United Methodist Church.  Keith A. Conaway, 64, of Beech Grove, died February 13, 2009. He was born to Kenneth and Emmajean Conaway on October 23, 1944. He is survived by his wife of 43 years, Rosalie; brother Dennis (Brenda); children Cynthia (Michelle), Bill (Sarah), Amanda (Ted) Polk, Chelse, Derek, Noel and Mikala; Nancy Lowe (special family friend) and Bill Morris (Paula); grandchildren Emily Lowe, Jessica, Kelsi, Kody, Jacob, Kaleb Conaway, Morgan and Cameron Gregson and great grandchild Merrick Conaway. The family of Keith invite you to attend a celebration of his life on Sunday, March 1, from 2 to 5 p.m. at the First Christian Church of Beech Grove, 75 N. 10th Ave., Beech Grove. Betty Jo Jasper Gray, 75, of Indianapolis, died February 20, 2009. She was born January 12, 1934, in Covington, Ky., to Marvin and Ruby Jasper. Her husband, James E. Gray, preceded her in death. Survivors include children, Carol Gray, Donna McCoy, Bev (Ron) Magness, and David Gray; grandchildren Heidi (Jon) Spencer, Alyssa Magness, and Jared Magness; and great grandchildren Tyler McKinney, Jayden Spencer, and Halle Spencer. Services were held February 23, 2009. Leota Mae “Lodie” Louden King (Mumsie), 90, of Beech Grove, IN, died February 19, 2009.  She was born September 3, 1918, in Campbellsburg, Ky., to the late Falen and Lillian Louden. She is survived by daughter Lynda (Jerry) Habig, son Larry (Bobbi) King, three grandchildren and two great grandchildren. Her husband, Charles Russell King, and all her siblings preceded her in death. Funeral services were held February 23, 2009, at Little & Sons Funeral Home. Wilma Todd Jordan, 88, of Indianapolis, died February 20, 2009. She was born June 9, 1920, in Indianapolis to Roscoe D. and Lulu B. Todd. She is survived by husband Bob Jordan, sons David Robert (Maureen) and Alan Todd (Kathy) Jordan, grandchildren Kevin, Rachel, Todd, Tony (Danaca), Christopher and Sara Jordan and brother Donald O. (Gloria) Todd. A memorial service will be held at 11 a.m. Saturday, February 28, at Pleasant Run United Church of Christ, 59 E. Pleasant Run Parkway South Drive, Indianapolis. Paul Alfred (Smitty) Schmith, 81, of Beech Grove, died February 22, 2009, in Indianapolis. He was born November 5, 1927, in Beech Grove. He was a Navy veteran of WWII. He is survived by wife Betty Slaten Schmith, daughter Nina (Harry Jr.) Sutton, sons Paul Allen Schmith, Gregory (Lisa) Schmith, Eric (Tracie) Schmith, Zachary (Laurie) Schmith and 13 grandchildren. Services will be held at Bell Mortuary & Crematory March 2, 2009, at 5 p.m. Calling hours will be from 4 to 8 p.m.

St. Francis chosen as pilot site to aid cancer patients

By Submission For The Southside Times

St. Francis Hospital & Health Centers has been selected by the Association of Community Cancer Centers as one of six national pilot sites for a project to develop and expand Nurse Navigator programs to help cancer patients and their families. The ACCC Patient Navigation Program provides guidance and experience that will enhance the current St. Francis Nurse Navigator program. Navigators are experienced oncology nurses who help cancer patients, survivors, families and caregivers steer their way through health care system from the time of a cancer diagnosis to the completion of treatment and beyond. “We are proud to have be selected as a pilot site by the ACCC,” said Kent Brumbaugh, executive director of St. Francis Cancer Care Services. “Cancer treatment can seem very complex and bewildering to patients. That’s where a navigator can be a common thread to help weave the patient through the process and so that they feel supported throughout the journey.” [ad#single-post]Navigators help patients and their families in a number of ways, some of those include: scheduling medical appointments and follow-up care, coordinating insurance paperwork, arranging for transportation, and serving as a liaison between the patients and their physician when dealing with complicated medical matters. “The diagnosis and treatment of complexities of being diagnosed with cancer and living with the disease for an individual, family member or caregiver can be intimidating and overwhelming,” said ACCC President Ernest R. Anderson Jr., M.S., R.Ph. “Our hope is that ACCC’s Patient Navigation Program will facilitate timely access to quality medical and psychosocial care from pre-diagnosis through all phases of the cancer experience.” The ACCC pilot program augments the St. Francis Cancer Care Services’ Nurse Navigator program that has existed since 2006. Nurse navigators currently assist patients with colorectal, lung and breast cancers.

At Play Calendar for the week of 2.26.09

By Submission For The Southside Times

The Ladies Man • This hilarious portrayal into the romantic misadventures that occur in, of all places, a doctor’s waiting room will leaving you wanting more. | When: March 3 – 22. Show times vary. | Where: Indiana Repertory Theatre. | Cost: $29, $34, $39. | Call 635-5252. Mauritius • Theresa Rebeck’s mystery drama, Mauritius, portrays a woman’s death that reunites two estranged half-sisters who find a rare collectable that ends up putting the girls in a dangerous situation. | When: March 5 – April 4. Show times vary. | Where: The Phoenix Theatre | Cost: $15-$25 | Info: Call 635-PLAY Dog Sees God: Confessions of a Teenage Blockhead • After the death of CB’s dog, he begins to question the existence of an afterlife. Once discovering how many lowlifes he’s been associating himself with, he finds a true ally in the kid he’s been horrible to his whole life. | When: March 6 – April 4. Fridays and Saturdays at 8 p.m. and Sundays at 5 p.m. | Where: Theatre on the Square | Cost: $25 | Info: Call 685-8687. This show does contain drug use, suicide and violence. Investigative Science • Bill Nye would be so proud. Tag along with your kids and enjoy a day of science. Explore different types of plants, extract DNA and take in the planetarium show. The first 100 youth members will receive a free lab coat. | When: Feb. 28 from 10 a.m. – 3 p.m. | Where: The Children’s Museum | Cost: Regular admission price. | Info: Call 334-3322. LEGO Castle Adventure Activities • Kids of all ages can find the fun in a box of LEGO’s, but what about a whole exhibit of the timeless toy? Kids will have a blast as they get themselves lost in a sea of yellow and red blocks. | When: March 6, 13, 20 and 27, April 3 and 10. All times will last from 1 – 3 p.m. | Where: The Children’s Museum | Cost: Included with regular museum prices. | Info: Call: 334-3322. Midwest Reptile Show • Lizard lovers rejoice! The annual Midwest Reptile Show is bringing along much more than the common garden snake so don’t be afraid and enjoy the show. | When: March 1 from 10 a.m. – 4 p.m. | Where: The Clarian Healthy Lifestyles Pavilion in the Indiana State Fairgrounds. | Cost: $5 adults; free for children 8 and younger. | Call Brian Hahn at 861-5550 or log on www.midwestreptile.com Murat Shrine Circus • The circus is rollin’ into town and it’s bringing along a large array of funny looking clowns and all the magic tricks that you can imagine. | When: March 3 – March 8. Show times vary. | Where: The Indiana State Fairgrounds in the Pepsi Coliseum. | Cost: $10, $15, $18 | Info: Call 635-2433. Lil’ Wayne and T-Pain • Attention! The Lil’ Wayne concert will be a completely sold out show if you don’t act now. The “Lollipop” rapper has stuck musical gold with his Tha Carter III CD and now he’s bringing T-Pain, Gym Class Heroes and Keri Hilson along for the lyrical ride. | When: March 21 at 6 p.m. | Where: Conceco Fieldhouse | Cost: $39.75, $59.75, $79.75. | Info: Call 239-5151. The Eagles • Their Long Road Out of Eden 2009 Tour is riding in on the coat tails of their new critically acclaimed CD of the same name. “How Long” and “Busy Being Fabulous” are just a few of the songs that audiences can expect to hear from the fabulous foursome, so it’s suggested that fans reserve their tickets now. | When: March 22 | Where: Consceo Fieldhouse | Cost: $60, $100, $145, $195. | Info: Call 239-5959. Healthy Eating • St. Francis Heart Center is offering several heart-healthy courses throughout the month of March. | When: March 4 at 6:30 p.m. | Where: St. Francis Heart Center – Community Center. | Cost: Free | Info: Call 782-4422 or register online at StFrancisHospitals.org/heart. Soaringwords Art Exhibit: SoaringHaikus • Library patrons are invited to view the art and stories of Indianapolis Public Schools 4th graders who were invited to “pay it forward” by inspiring hospitalized children at Wishard Health Services with their personalized messages and artwork. It’s part of the United Way of Central Indiana’s ReadUP program. | When: Through April 8 | Where: Fountain Square branch of the IMCPL, 1066 Virginia Ave. | Info: Call 275-4390. Dr. Seuss and Julie Pursley • You don’t want to miss out on the birthday celebration of a lifetime. Who’s the birthday boy you ask, it’s none other than Dr. Seuss himself. Channel 6 News reporter, Julie Pursley, will be on hand to help celebrate. | When: March 2 from 4 – 5 p.m. | Where: The Beech Grove Public Library | Cost: Free | Info: Call 788-4203. Teen Craft Club • Teens are invited to make and decorate their very own wind chimes. | When: March 3 at 4 p.m. | Where: The Greenwood Public Library | Cost: Free | Info: Reservations are required. Call 881-1953. Hip To Knit • Everyone is invited to partake in a day of knitting. Beginners are asked to bring a pair of needles, while experienced knitters are just asked to bring their current projects. | When: March 3 at 5:30 p.m. | Where: The Greenwood Public Library | Cost: Free | Info: Call 881-1953. Baby Boogie • Babies up to 18 months and an adult are invited for stories, songs and action rhymes that will get them really moving. | When: March 3 | Where: Franklin Road branch of the IMCPL, 5550 S. Franklin Rd. | Info: Call 275-4380. Movie Night • “Beverly Hills Chihuahua” is on the menu tonight! No, no you won’t be dinning on any tiny dogs, but you can bring your family to the movie’s screening. The movie stars Jaime Lee Curtis and is rated PG.| When: March 3 | Where: The Beech Grove Public Library | Cost: Free | Info: Call 788-4203. Preschool Storytime • Preschoolers ages 3 through kindergarten and an adult are invited for stories, songs and rhymes. | When: March 3 at 11 a.m. | Where: Southport branch of the IMCPL, 2630 East Stop 11 Rd. | Info: Call 275-4510. Quilt Connection • Kathy Sands, an Illinois Art Quilter, is scheduled to speak on Surface Designs and Dye Painting for The Quilt Connection Guild of Greenwood. | When: March 5 at 7 p.m.| Where: The Greenwood United Methodist Church | Cost: Free | Info: Call 888-6363. Nicholas Sparks • For over a decade, New York Times bestselling author Nicholas Sparks has captivated readers with stories that explore the profound mysteries of the human heart. Sparks will share his perspective on his life and works when he presents the 32nd Annual McFadden Memorial Lecture. Sparks’ recent bestseller, The Lucky One, focuses on a Marine whose brushes with death lead him to the love of his life. After returning home, he tracks down a woman whose photo he found buried in the dirt in Iraq. Sparks’ other popular works include The Choice, Dear John, At First Sight, The Wedding, The Guardian and A Bend in the Road. Born in Omaha, Nebraska in 1965, Sparks was part of a school record-setting relay team at the University of Notre Dame before graduating with high honors in Business Finance in 1988. Living in North Carolina with his wife and five children, Sparks is an avid athlete who competes in Tae Kwon Do. He reads nearly 125 books a year and is a major contributor to the Creative Writing Program at Notre Dame, where he provides scholarships, internships and a fellowship annually. Booksales and signings by the author will follow the free lecture. | When: March 20 at 7 p.m. | Where: North Central High School Auditorium, 1801 E. 86th St.

No cabbage, no eggs, no grapefruit, no labels

By Mike Redmond

My endless quest to lose my parade-balloon body has led me to do some pretty weird things, I’ll admit. There was the egg diet of the early 1970s, where just about all you ate was eggs. You lost weight, all right. You also sprouted pinfeathers and started scratching in the yard. This was followed by the grapefruit diet, which was just like the egg diet only with grapefruit. The bad thing is, after a while you never want to eat grapefruit again. The good thing is you re-acquire your taste for eggs. Of course I tried the cabbage soup diet of a few years back, forgetting that cabbage gives me gas something awful. Boy, there was an idea that backfired. I lost a bunch of weight once by limiting myself to about 1,500 calories a day. Talk about a strict diet. If you licked an envelope you’d be over your limit. I have Atkinsed and South Beached. I have dieted according to my personality and my blood type. I have counted calories and followed intuitive eating. And I am here to tell you that it’s all pretty much bushwa. [ad#single-post]The only diet with which I have had any real success is the Dr. Shecky diet, named after my retired (and greatly missed) physician Dr. Shecky, the world’s funniest (he thinks) physician. It’s simple, too: Don’t eat anything with a label on it. In other words, load up on fresh fruits and vegetables, eat lean meats only, and keep everything else at a minimum. Labels mean processed and processed means sugar, salt and fat. But you also have to throw in the mantra of my friend Cheryl Silich, the nicest woman I know who also can bend me into a pretzel, whose advice is as simple as Shecky’s: Eat less, move more. You’ll notice there are no calculations, no weigh-ins, no malarkey. Just common sense. Which, those who know me will attest, is often not mentioned in a sentence with my name, but that is exactly what it is: Eat better and get some exercise. Here’s the kicker. It’s working. I’m slimming down. Thanks to Cheryl I am on what is to me a punishing workout routine. For her it’s called “warming up.” Thanks to Shecky I’m actually eating like an adult. And thanks to both of them I’m losing weight. Of course, it’s not easy. I have to lift weights every other day, no matter what, or Cheryl will hurt me. That’s what she says, anyway, and I for one am not brave enough to see if she’s kidding. And on the off days I have to do cardio. Which, I will admit, is far preferable to having a cardiac. And I have given up many of the foods I love. I haven’t seen fried chicken in months. Or pie. Or cheeseburgers. Or pizza. Wait. I take that back. I did have some pizza the other night, sort of. I just scraped the stuff off the top and fed the crust to my very happy dog. That was a first for me. Never in my life have I sat down to a meal of rubber cheese and tomato glop. I TOLD you I’ve done some weird things to lose weight. I think I’ll go see if there’s anything healthy in the fridge. I know I have eggs. Maybe there’s some grapefruit. Or cabbage. No. No cabbage.

It’s time to re-prioritze

By Sherri Coner-Eastburn

I’ve been thinking about how much America has changed in the last half-century. We have bought into the easy-way-out. And so, instead of natural consequences, bail-outs are the trend. Bankruptcy, once a humiliating last choice, is now the norm. Fifty years ago, people were expected to row their own boats. If your boat got a hole in it and it was your own fault, no one lost sleep over watching you sink. Nobody rushed over to build you a new boat you didn’t deserve. If you were fat, you got busy with jumping jacks. These days, we choose bariatric surgery.

Somewhere along the way, we re-wrote the definition of what makes our country respectable. We started making excuses for bratty kids, lazy teenagers and overindulgent parents.

In my grandma’s days, people had enough sense to live within their means. Women would never spend grocery money on Botox injections. Things weren’t thrown away, wasted, forgotten. Couches were kept for 20 years since kids weren’t allowed to jump on furniture and act like little heathens. And now, let’s talk about monster houses. Back in the good old days, a couple bought a fixer-upper, scraped paint and built equity. In those homes of yesterday, parents could hear their children sleeping across the hall. They didn’t buy three-story castles. They didn’t have granite countertops and home theaters. If they were lucky enough to have a solid home in a safe neighborhood, they were lucky enough. In the last 50 years, Americans got unwilling to work for and wait for what we wanted. We have placed way too much emphasis on fluff. We have bought sprawling square feet we didn’t need, without money down or money in savings. Of course it all caught up with us. And the consequences are now hitting us with the force of a Mack truck. Unfortunately, many hard-working, innocent people are victimized by that overall picture of greed. We’re not just in financial hot water, though. Socially, we are also seeing the damage of irresponsibility. Many of our children are obnoxious. In my grandma’s day, a kid who showed his butt got a very real threat. “Straighten up before I yank a kink in your tail.” And the kid could bank on the follow-through. Somewhere along the way, we re-wrote the definition of what makes our country respectable. We started making excuses for bratty kids, lazy teenagers and overindulgent parents. We smiled and said, “Charge it” when we should have waited and saved. Now, we’re being spanked, as a country, for being spoiled. We are forced to stop shopping in our free time. Forced to cook at home. Forced to tell our children, “No, you can’t have it.” It will be good for teenagers to buff up junkers instead of sliding into something brand-new. We will give them responsibility and pride. It will be good for us, as a people, to get our faces dirty with humility. It will help us remember the difference between necessity and fluff. It will save us, as a country, to calm down and simplify, recalling that Americans are made of something with a lot more substance than materialism.

Men v. women in the bathroom dunk tank

By Kevin Kane

This isn’t exactly something from the news or even relevant to what’s going on in the world today, but I had an interesting thought the other day about what seems to be a very common problem. Men of all ages are often stereotyped as less-than-courteous urinaters who leave the toilet seat up more often than not. That’s probably closer to fact than mere perception, and there’s no denying we are at fault for frequently forgetting this responsibility. However, men are often told that, as a result of their carelessness, unsuspecting women often venture into the restroom and, not knowing the seat is still up, fall into the toilet as well. I’m not here to proclaim this as a bathroom myth, a cautionary piece of folklore whose purpose is to guilt men into adhering to this specific responsibility, but my recent line of thought has aroused a series of questions which, to the best of my knowledge, have never been addressed in the long history of this everyday dunk tank. [ad#single-post]Think about this: we are told that women often fall into the toilet whenever the standing users fail to return the seat to its downward position. I wouldn’t say this fall occurs every time, but from the number of new versions of this story, it sounds as if the percentage is still worth noticing. Clearly, women are not the only ones who use these bath-preventing seats, as most men sit down at least once a day. But interestingly enough, you never hear stories about men taking this same plunge, and that’s what I find very interesting. My immediate family consists of four guys and my mother. In addition to that, I’ve lived with multiple male roommates and have numerous male friends. Yet never in my life have I heard of a guy falling into the water. Never. Since men are the clear-cut cause of this phenomenon, it would be expected that, in an apartment full of guys, there would be plenty of upright toilet seats and plenty of opportunities for guys to unintentionally perform these mini cannonballs. But it still doesn’t happen. One of my roommates doesn’t even flush, let alone lower the seat. However, I never hear – or hear of – a splash. What’s the reason behind this? This must be more than just a numbers game. Does embarrassment prevent such stories from being told, or do women simply fail to look before they leap, heading in cheeks-first? There’s definitely something behind this. Secrecy is very likely, but it could be as simple as knowing our own tendencies. If we know we leave the seat up, perhaps we subconsciously assume it will always be that way, prompting us to double check the landing gear before beginning our descent. While I can hypothesize why men stay out of the water, I have no idea why women cannot. Is this an important question? Absolutely not. But in finding an answer we may learn yet another tidbit about the differences between men and women. Until that time though, all men can do is apologize for our roles in previous splashes and make a conscious effort to fulfill our toilet seat duty. But the most effective way to eliminate these unconventional bidets is for guys to get a taste of our own medicine. If we fall in once – perhaps for the first time in our gender’s history – we’ll be sure to put that seat down, especially if our roommates have poor flushing habits.

Top ten signs that it’s not spring yet

By Torry Stiles

10. The Cubs are still in the pennant fight. 9. The Girl Scout cookie sellers are still pleasant. 8. You can’t smell what the lazy cats have been leaving under the porch. 7. You start thinking about maybe someday eventually digging out the lawnmower to get it serviced before the rush. 6. The biggest argument in the house is about when to take the plastic off the windows. 5. You’d even be grateful for a blast of hot air from Washington. 4. You find yourself enjoying TV bowling shows. 3. Florida’s hurricane season brings you joy. 2. It’s not warm enough to worry about the Christmas lights but you DID scrape the frozen pumpkin off the porch. 1. What you hoped were the spring peepers is actually the furnace blower giving up.